where's my happy ending?

Funny when i was young, i used to think i'm different from all the rest. Feeling- that's the word me and my sisters would always use whenever someone would assume that everyone is drawn to her or him for that matter. Yes, feeling ako nung bata pa ko. And now i dont even know why im saying this. Just remembered, when i got pregnant, i lost all that pride in me. Turned out im no different pala.

I will always remember may napanood ako nung gradeschool, bf-gf thing, guy was asking girl if they can do it na, girl refused, end of story. I was trying to analyze it with my little brain then, thinking na if im mature enough to have a boyfriend at pag niyaya ako like that, i will slap his face at break na kami. Funny ba? I still believe in the saying that true love waits though.

One mommy blogger said she didnt like it when her dad told her she would be happier now that she has a son. Not true, she could be as happy as she is now even without the baby. So true, how would you know nga naman the feeling that u could be happier when u havent experienced it in the first place. So much about happiness.

Ever since i gave birth, people have been asking me how am i quite often, and when i reply in the affirmative, para bang they don't believe me. What people dont understand is that im relatively ok, im tougher than i thought, and i just dont open up to anyone anymore. I dont understand myself so why let anyone in anyway?

I dont pray as much anymore. And it bothers me to death. And everytime i pray its always to ask for forgiveness, to give me another chance, and to help me raise Lucas well...to raise him as a good person not like me. I'm just tired. Sometimes when i go to communion, i would always think i may be the most sinful among everyone inside our church. Its tiring i know but i cant help it.

Maybe, i would be happier if i'm single. Maybe, im not meant to be with anyone because i'm selfish.

I want to be invisible now. Lagi ko naiisip dati when i was a kid, pag may super power ako, i wanna have the power to be invisible. Actually, naisip ko talaga yan kasi i want to ransack my first boyfriend's room para mahanap ung silver bracelet na he got from me and i was just too painfully shy to ask for him to return it knowing na its not even mine to begin with. Its my ate anne's, i used it kasi this one time and she didnt know it was me who took it! Now i want to be invisible just for the purpose of being invisible.

Sad no?

How things turned out like this, how everything got so messed up just because of one wrong choice.

Pero i still have Lucas.

And life goes on, happy ending or not.